rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Randomize
