Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
