my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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