Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
