apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
