tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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