once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
me + whiskey = a bad person
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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