I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
