you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
