I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Farmville is her only friend.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
