Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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