Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
