My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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