A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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