She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
