how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
