I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
