I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You made out with two different species that night
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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