I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
