Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
