so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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