it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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