Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
