Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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