Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
