things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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