Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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