Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
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