I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We were destined to go to rehab together
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
