They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
