my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
