The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
