when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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