you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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