I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
