I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
