Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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