remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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