i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
