She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Sacagawea was the original milf.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
