So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
is it fun? or sober?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
