Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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