Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
meet me or not, i'm out of control
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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