don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
