Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
