I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
