Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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