Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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