I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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