Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
