She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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