It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
